You pull yourself up, get yourself together, and determine to forgive and just let it go. It starts off with grit and determination- but you find yourself still hurting and not able to leave your bitterness behind.
- You begin doubting yourself.
- You start comparing your journey with other couples.
- You wonder what you are missing that they are doing right. Why is their marriage so much better? Do they never have problems?
- You begin thinking that you must have brought this on yourself. Self-doubt sets in, and you start believing that you could have done something to keep your spouse’s eyes on you alone.
Then you begin questioning your entire marriage…
- What am I even doing here?
- How do I move past this?
- Why do feel so low and so all alone?
- Am I even deserving of my spouse’s devotion?
- And worst of all…Even if I figure out how to really forgive and move forward, is it even possible for me to trust my spouse again?
- How can I ever feel normal in my marriage again?
- Will he or she turn back to porn?
- Is it even possible for us to overcome the broken trust with all the lies that covered the past?
Adding to your own concerns, the overwhelm increases because you don’t want everyone around you to see what you are dealing with. So, you put on your happy face and pretend everything is fine, yet this in and of itself further isolates you.
It doesn’t matter if you are a cup half-full or silver-lining person, you will eventually want to give up on trying to make your marriage work because it looks completely different from what you thought it would. The fact that you’re not even sure you can forgive your spouse to actually start the process of restoration, is what keeps you stuck.
And that’s it.
- You won’t be experiencing the beauty of transparency.
- You won’t be experiencing the freedom of forgiveness.
- You won’t be experiencing complete trust in your spouse.
- You won’t see the marriage restoration that you so desire.
While what you want is to rebuild trust in your marriage, it’s often much easier to blame yourself, admit that it’s really “not that bad,” and put your head down and just move on. [At least that’s what the world tells us.]
It’s true: The Bible teaches that we must forgive. How many times? In Matthew, Jesus told the disciples to keep on forgiving, even seven times 70 times! (18:22) So yes, we are to forgive, but Jesus also says that to look at a woman with lust is to commit adultery in your heart. (Matthew 5:28) The point is that there are many moving pieces and it’s not a “just” forgive and forget.
So for all of your hard work, you will have attempted to fix your broken marriage by letting time “heal” your wounds. The truth is–that would be the worst thing you can do.