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I’m the tall girl; I’m the shy girl. If I can get to the back–the back of the room, the back of the line, the back of the group in a picture–that’s where I am going. I don’t like the front because I don’t like being seen. Hiding in the back makes me feel safe and protected.
Talking in a group, or even with a friend about something I’m unsure of, makes the heat rise up my neck and the red blotches take over. I am the girl who is happy to listen to you and interject some, but not bring attention to herself. Naturally, I am drawn to quiet and calm. That’s my personality, but I think that it runs deeper than that.
It’s called insecurity.
I’ve never been confident, never been sure, never trusted my judgment. You can ask my family…indecisiveness is my weakness. I want to be sure, be confident, trust my judgement, but I know me. I know how likely I am to make some stupid mistake, so I hide.
I’m hiding behind who you think I am
Her. She’s the one you see, the one you look up to, the one you think has her act together. She’s the supermom, the strong one. I like her–rather the idea of her–just like you. You can see her and be happy that you know her. I’m happy that you know her because if you know her, you don’t see the real me.
I’m back there. Hiding. Peeking around her legs and waist, like a shy little girl. She protects me–keeps your eyes on her, and so you don’t see me. I like it that way. I’m afraid for you to see me in all my insecurity.
I’m not as polished as her. I yell at my kids, and I want them to leave me alone sometimes. Often I say things I shouldn’t, even terrible things. I roll my eyes at my husband, and challenge his God-given authority. Knowingly, I ignore the most important things in my life. I like to stick my head in the sand because that feels better than thinking about and figuring out things that are strange to me. Sadly, I’m selfish and snarky to the ones I love most.
Here’s the problem with hiding:
If I had to guess, I’d say I’m not alone. You hide behind an image you’d rather others see. We are often hiding behind some better image.
I want to challenge all of us to stop trying to be who we are not. Let’s be who God created us to be instead.
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made…My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; (Psalm 139:13-15)
Remember the Proverbs 31 woman?
You know the one who gets up while it’s still dark and prepares food for her family. She has a side hustle and buys land, stays up all night, helps the needy, makes her clothes and makes her husband proud. She is wise and is not idle, always busy. Her children and husband love and praise her. And she is a woman who fears the Lord and should rightly be praised. (My very brief summary of all she does).
While it’s good for us to strive to be like this woman, we forget that she didn’t do all these things all at once. These were seasons in her life.
We need to stop hiding because of our insecurities
If you are in a season of taking naps with the baby because he keeps you up all night, don’t be ashamed of that. Maybe your house is messier than it’s ever been; own it. Perhaps you are trying to supplement your income with a side hustle to support your growing family.
My encouragement to you is that you do the best with what you have in the season that you are in. We need to stop hiding behind who we are not and let God mold us into who we are meant to be, being careful to seek him and his righteousness in each season we find ourselves in.
The truth is, there is someone like us who is struggling, too. We can’t help one another, walk with one another, disciple one another if we aren’t willing to be honest about where we are in life. I pray we can all stop hiding in our insecurities and be brave enough to step out.