Hope in the Battle Against My Husband’s Porn Addiction

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***This is the story of my husband’s confession of porn addiction. It’s raw and ugly and very emotional for me. Please understand that my heart in this is to shed light where darkness engulfs us and our loved ones. It’s happening–everywhere, with our husbands, our kids, and even in some cases, ourselves. If you know anyone who is in this deep, deep valley–trench–please share this with her. You and she are not alone.***

As scared as I am to be writing this, I am going to open my heart and my life, sharing about when my husband confessed to porn addiction. 

My fear is that with people knowing about my husband’s porn addiction, they (and you) judge him…and me…us.

UPDATE: When I originally wrote this, I was afraid that my closest friends would be angry for me, and therefore, afraid that our relationships would never be the same. I was wrong. Those who love me most only reached out in love. 

Because it’s hidden, embarrassing, often preached against, yet seldom dealt with, this is a touchy subject. But I really believe I’m here for such a time as this, for this very reason: to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the very ugly.

Our story

Our story started over 21 years ago. My husband asked me to our Jr. Prom, and I said yes. Our relationship grew from there, and I knew he was the one I wanted to marry. He was a good guy: kind, thoughtful, funny, gentle. And literally tall, dark and handsome. We had been dating for almost three years when he asked me to marry him, and of course, I said yes–again. Shortly after, we joined hands and hearts.

We bought a house and somehow managed to put each other through college. Years passed, and our family grew. He was called into ministry; I became a homeschooling mom. And our family grew some more! I would say we had a good relationship, a great marriage.

Even though we experienced bumps along the way (like all couples do), our relationship was great for a good many years. Then something happened; something changed. I had no idea what he was dealing with, but I knew that something was wrong with my husband. He was just not himself, angry all the time. We had heated discussions more often, and went to bed angry–something we promised we’d never do.

Confession of my husband’s porn addiction

After a while, God wrecked us. We were both in a place of knowing we needed to know God more, yet continuing on in life just getting by. Then our pastor did a series of sermons on repentance, and it was life-shattering. It led to one of the most heartbreaking confessions a wife could hear.

One evening, when the kids were gone, we began talking of that day’s sermon. My husband spoke of repentance and how he had been granted repentance for his past. He reminded me how he had struggled with porn addiction, but he wasn’t just speaking of the past, as in 20 years ago, but as in the most recent months.

I sat completely still, not even sure what to say. There had been no clues except that he had been more angry and irritable. Stunned would be an understatement. My husband’s confession of porn addiction caught me completely off guard! Sadly, it wasn’t just a recent problem, but had been going on for two years. The fact that I had no idea this was going on made me feel stupid and ugly, weak and angry.

Living in the hurt

Weeks of depression followed that night. He apologized, and cried with me. And while I hated him in some moments and what he had done to us, I was so thankful that God had taken us to the place of repentance. I was beyond thankful for the pastor who preached hard things so that we could be rid of this. I was incredibly thankful, too, for God’s grace keeping my husband from even deeper sin that if left long enough is where pornography leads.

I’ve got to tell you: this valley we went through was incredibly hard. I didn’t know how we could ever get past it. Truthfully, I didn’t know if I wanted to work through it. Leaving was constantly on my mind because I wanted to hurt him as bad as he had hurt me, and I wanted to be far away from the deep hurt I felt.

Yet, I stayed. My kids needed me, and I couldn’t let them down. While I’m convinced that my big kids knew something was wrong, I grieved alone. In silence.

I was so utterly alone. Shame filled me. My husband was addicted to porn. My Christian, upstanding, faithful, honorable husband admitted being a porn addict. To say I was embarrassed would be the greatest of understatements. While I was hurting deeper than I had ever hurt before, I was equally as embarrassed and terrified that people would find out about this secret sin, knowing that they stood ready to judge. And I felt like I had no one with whom I felt I could share and trust to carry this with me.

Hope & help for porn addicts and spouses

The truth is, some will judge, but there are many other people who are standing ready to shoulder the pain and the burden with you.

Find Christian Resources

Thankfully, there are resources to help you through your husband’s porn addiction!

• The Marriage Restoration Roadmap
  • We are also pleased to announce that since the writing of this content, we have created our own program for couples struggling to make it through broken trust as a result of pornography. You can find out more about our full program HERE.

• Covenant Eyes
  • Covenant Eyes, which is our internet filter and accountability software (we got that very night he confessed), has helpful resources for both those battling porn addiction and the spouse left reeling. A filter is a must!

**You can get one month of Covenant Eyes FREE on me by going to Covenant Eyes and using brinalynn as your promo code. Try it for a month!**

• Blazing Grace
  • BG is a place both spouses can go for help. They, too, have great resources for men, women, and couples. There are forums there where you can share your story without fear of judgement.

Reach out to someone you trust

After months of carrying all of that baggage by myself, I sought help and counsel. I am so glad I finally did. The judgement that I had feared so much was not there, only tears of compassion and an open heart and mind. I really wasn’t that alone after all. The truth is, there are many more wives out there like me who are suffering in silence because they don’t know where to go, and shame keeps them from reaching out.

Seek the Lord

He was my comfort. I cannot tell you how often I cried and prayed. My soul ached. I searched the Psalms, read them every day–many days not being able to see the words for the tears–hoping for a way up out of the deepness I felt. I understood what David meant when he said that his soul was downcast within him (Psalm 42:11). I was completely downcast. Utterly defeated, discouraged, dejected, and dismayed.

One particularly dark day, I literally wanted to die. I felt like my life as I knew it was over and would never be right again. I sent a text saying as much to my husband, and he sent me the link to this song. It has been uplifting to my soul since that day.

What spoke so deeply to me is this:

My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
~Shoulders, For King and Country

I needed the Holy Spirit to carry all that because I was too weak to do it myself. I sang those word over and over and over in my mind.

How can I move past my husband’s porn addiction?

Honestly, I didn’t know how I could ever love my husband again the way I had before because I didn’t even like him. I didn’t know if I could ever be intimate with him again because he repulsed me. I wondered how could I ever measure up with perfection. And, I didn’t know if I could ever trust him again.

Yet, we added our victory baby to our family in 2018.

“How, God?” was my cry. “How can you fix this? Can I ever love him again? How are you going to make this right?” And so I read the Psalms, and I cried out for God to fix it.

There were many verses that spoke to me, soothing my aching heart. I am so thankful for God’s word, His promise to never leave us, His commitment to us.

I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.  ~Psalm 94:18-19 NLT

In truth, I don’t know how He fixed it. Perhaps He taught me that I’m just as guilty of following worldly things, just in a different way. Maybe it was the heart change for both of us. Perhaps it was time, as we know time heals, moment by moment. Or could it be that truth was poured into my soul every day from God’s word, from our pastor, from music? What I do know is that there is hope!

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are  you in turmoil within me? 
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. ~ Psalm 42:11

 

As my free gift for joining my mailing list, download and print the Finding Joy & Comfort In the Psalms Bookmark.

 

Since my husband’s confession to porn addiction

The night my husband confessed his addiction to me, it had been a couple of months since he last had viewed pornography. God had already begun the work, working a change in the man, but my husband had not yet had the peace to share with me.

In the time after his confession, he gave me time. He was there, allowing me to lash out at him, and being willing to talk and hash out as I felt the need. I blamed him for ‘jacking up our marriage,’ and he didn’t argue. He was kind and gentle (even when I wanted to throat punch him).

Likewise, he told me where he was. He was honest about how temptation was still there. Porn addiction is like any other addiction, but God has seen him through, given him that escape we are promised.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.  ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

We still have Covenant Eyes on all of our devices and computers, including work devices. Each of us has an accountability partner who receive our reports each week, accounting any flags or blocks to inappropriate or questionable material. Even as the years go by, we keep CE as our safety net firmly in place. There will never be a time that we don’t have this safeguard in place.

‘We do’ again 

Today, we find ourselves in a great place, a wonderfully blessed place.

How is that even possible? All I know is that God’s grace is sufficient. He is all we need. I learned that the pedestal I had my husband on had to come down. He had become my idol, placing him before God. These lessons taught me grace, seeing where I, too, was less than perfect.

I am not accepting responsibility for my husband’s use of pornography because wives are NOT to blame for our husband’s porn addiction! What I am saying that because I was actively seeking God, reading his word, praying, searching for answers, I saw some of my own faults as a wife.

Trust is still hard, and I ask very often how he’s doing. The enemy creeps in and causes me to fear, even though safeguards are still in place, and accountability is as it should be. It will take years to completely trust again, but we are working on it, and God is mending that, too.

The year this was written, we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. There was a time when I wasn’t sure I could say that, but we did it, and have celebrated several since!

That year, we chose to say we do again. At the place where God took us to bring repentance–to heal us–we joined hands again and promised anew what we originally vowed to each other as young lovers.

Claiming God’s Promise

I firmly believe Genesis 50:20, which is about how Joseph’s brothers had thrown him into a pit, only as a second thought to killing him. What they intended for harm, God used for good, for HIS glory by eventually making Joseph second in command to Pharaoh alone!

In our story, what Satan intended for harm of both of us, God has redeemed, and “He intends to use it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Our prayer continues to be that through our story, many lives will be touched; confessions will be made; relationships will be healed; and lives will be made whole!

You Are NOT Alone!

Dear one, you don’t have to be alone in dealing with your husband’s porn addiction. I am here, willing to uphold you in prayer, cry with you, and remind you that God’s grace is sufficient and that in Him there is hope.

Somehow, He heals the brokenhearted.

Surrounding ourselves with God’s word–his truth, his promises, his love–and his people is the only way to move through this trench of betrayal.