An audacious confession

Audacious:  extremely bold or daring. Bold or daring, I have never been. Nevertheless, I am going to open my heart and my life, right here, sharing an audacious confession about when he [my husband] confessed to porn addiction. 

Truthfully,  I’m scared to death to share. Really scared. For fear that you will judge him…me…us. Afraid that you, including my closest friends, will be angry on my behalf; therefore, afraid that our (mine and yours) relationships will never be the same.  

It’s a touchy thing, this porn addiction, because it’s hidden, embarrassing, often preached against, yet seldom dealt with. But I really believe I’m here for such a time as this, for this very reason: to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the despicable.

Hope in the Battle Against Porn Addiction

Our story

Our story started over 21 years ago. Chris asked me to our Jr. Prom, and I said yes. Our relationship grew from there, and I knew he was the one I wanted to marry. He was a good guy:  kind, thoughtful, funny, gentle. And tall, dark and handsome, literally. We had been dating for almost three years when he asked me to marry him, and of course, I said yes again. Shortly after, we joined hands and hearts.

We bought a house and somehow managed to put each other through college. Years passed, and our family grew. Chris was called into ministry; I became a homeschooling mom. And our family grew some more! I would say we had a good relationship, a great marriage.

Even though we experienced bumps along the way (like all couples do), our relationship was great for a good many years. Then something happened; something changed.   had no idea what he was dealing with, but I knew that something was wrong with my husband. He was just not himself, angry all the time. We had heated discussions more often, and went to bed angry–something we promised we’d never do.



When your husband confesses to porn addiction

After a while, God wrecked us. We were both in a place of knowing we needed to know God more, yet continuing on in life just getting by. Then our pastor did a series of sermons on repentance, and it was life-shattering. Completely. Life. Shattering. And it led to the most audacious confession, and still, I tremble.

One evening, when the kids were gone, we began talking of that day’s sermon. Chris spoke of repentance and how he had been granted repentance for his past. He reminded me how he had struggled with porn addiction. I thought he had meant earlier in our marriage because I knew he had. He gently said, “Yes, then.  But recently…in the past months.”

I sat completely numb. There had been no clues except that he had been more angry and irritable. I was stunned and broken. It had been going on for two years, and I didn’t even know! I felt stupid and ugly and weak and angry.

Hope in the Battle Against Porn Addiction

Living in the hurt

Weeks of depression followed that night. He apologized, and cried with me. And while I hated him in some moments and what he had done to us, I was so thankful that God had taken us to the place of repentance. I was beyond thankful for the pastor who was faithful to preach a hard Word so that his congregation could get rid of the yuck and really live for Jesus. I was incredibly thankful, too, for God’s grace keeping Chris from even deeper sin that if left long enough is where pornography leads.

But ya’ll. This valley we went through was so hard. I didn’t know how we could ever get past it. Truthfully, I didn’t know if I wanted to work through it. Leaving was constantly on my mind because I wanted to hurt him as bad as he had hurt me, and I wanted to be far away from the deep hurt I felt. Yet, I stayed. My kids needed me, and I couldn’t let them down. While I’m convinced that my big kids knew something was wrong, I grieved alone. In silence.

I was so utterly alone. Shame filled me. My husband was addicted to porn. My Christian, upstanding, faithful, honorable husband admitted an addiction to pornography. To say I was embarrassed would be the greatest of understatements. While I was hurting deeper than I had ever hurt before, I was equally as embarrassed for him…for me…for us, knowing that people stood ready to judge. And I had no one with whom I felt I could share.

Hope & help for addicts and spouses

Find Christian Resources

Thankfully, there are resources. Covenant Eyes, which is our internet filter provider (we got that very night he confessed), has wonderful resources for both those battling porn addiction and the spouse left reeling. Also Blazing Grace was a place both of us could go for help. They, too, have wonderful resources for men, women, and couples. There are forums there where you can share your story, spill your guts, be raw and wrecked, and nobody judges you. Others like you are there grieving and pouring out their souls, too, while still more are there to help and encourage and guide you through.

Reach out to someone you trust

After months of carrying all of that baggage by myself, I sought help and counsel. I am so glad I finally did. There was no judgement, only tears of compassion and an open heart and mind. I really wasn’t that alone after all. The truth is, I think that there are more wives out there like me who are suffering in silence because they don’t know where to go, and shame keeps them from reaching out.

Seek the Lord

And Jesus. He was my comfort. I cannot tell you how often I cried and prayed. My soul ached. I searched the Psalms, read them every day, hoping for a way up out of the deepness I felt. I understood what David meant when he said that his soul was downcast within him (Psalm 42:11). Completely downcast. Defeated. Discouraged. Dejected. And dismayed.

One particularly dark day, I literally wanted to die. I felt like my life as I knew it was over and would never be right again. Chris sent me to this song, and it has been uplifting to my soul since that day.

What spoke so deeply to me is this:

My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
~Shoulders, For King and Country

I sang those word over and over and over in my mind.

How, God?

Honestly, I didn’t know how I could ever love my husband again the way I had before because I didn’t even like him. I didn’t know if I could ever be intimate with him again because he repulsed me. I wondered how could I ever measure up with perfection. And, I didn’t know if I could ever trust him again.

That was my cry: How, God? How can you fix this? Can I ever love him again? How are you going to make this right? And so I read the Psalms, and I cried out for God to fix it.

There were many verses that spoke to me, soothing my aching heart. I am so thankful for God’s word, His promise to never leave us, His commitment to us.

I cried out, “I am slipping!” but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me. When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.  ~Psalm 94:18-19 NLT

In truth, I don’t know how He fixed it. Perhaps He taught me that I’m just as guilty of following worldly things, just in a different way. Maybe it was the heart change for both of us. Perhaps it was time, as we know time heals, moment by moment. Or could it be that truth was poured into my soul every day from God’s word, from our pastor, from music? What I do know is that there is hope!

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are  you in turmoil within me? 
Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, my salvation and my God. ~ Psalm 42:11



Since his confession to porn addiction

The night Chris confessed, it had been two months or so since he last had viewed pornography. God had already begun the work, but Chris had not yet had the peace to share with me.

In the time after his confession, he gave me time. He was there, allowing me to lash out at him, and being willing to talk and hash out as I felt the need. I blamed him for ‘jacking up our marriage,’ and he didn’t argue. He was kind and gentle (even when I wanted to throat punch him).

Likewise, he told me where he was.He was honest about how temptation was still there. Porn addiction is like any other addiction, but God has seen him through, given him that escape we are promised.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.  ~ 1 Corinthians 10:13

We have Covenant Eyes on all of our devices and computers, including work devices. Each of us has an accountability partner who receive our reports each week, accounting any flags or blocks to inappropriate or questionable material.

We do again

Today, we find ourselves in a great place, a wonderfully blessed place. How is that even possible? All I know is that God’s grace is sufficient. He is all we need. I learned that the pedestal I had my husband on had to come down. He had become my idol, placing him before God.These lessons taught me grace, seeing where I, too, had fallen into sin. [Not that I was to blame for his use of pornography because, ladies, you are NEVER to blame for your husband’s porn addiction!]

Trust is still hard, and I ask very often how he’s doing. The enemy creeps in and causes me to fear, even when safeguards are still in place, and accountability is as it should be. It will take years to completely trust again, but we are working on it, and God is mending that, too.

This year, we will celebrate our 18th anniversary. There was a time when I wasn’t sure I could say that, but here we are, looking right at it. And we have chosen to say we do again. At the place where God took us to bring repentance–to heal us–we’ll join hands again and promise anew what we originally vowed to each other.

Claiming God’s Promise

I firmly believe Genesis 50:20, which is about how Joseph’s brothers had thrown him into a pit, only as a second thought to killing him. What they intended for harm, God used for good, for HIS glory by eventually making Joseph second in command to Pharaoh alone!

Hope in the Battle Against Porn Addiction - Genesis 50:20

In our story, what Satan intended for harm of both Chris and me, God has redeemed, and “He intends to use it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Our prayer continues to be that through our story, many lives will be touched;  confessions will be made; relationships will be healed; and lives will be made whole!

Wife, Mama, you don’t have to be alone in dealing with porn addiction, and I won’t judge you or that man you love. I’m here to help. I will uphold you in prayer, cry with you, and remind you that God’s grace is sufficient and that in Him there is hope. Somehow, He heals the brokenhearted.

Can I share with you a little list of my favorite verses from Psalms? It’s yours to tuck into your devotional or Bible, or print the larger version and hang it on your wall. Surrounding ourselves with God’s word is the only way to move through this trench of betrayal.

6 Powerful Verses for the Hard Times


Brina Lynn

17 comments on “Hope in the Battle Against Porn Addiction”

  1. Wow! I had no idea and no judgement here, but thank you for being faithful and sharing your story to allow God to use it to reach others that may be struggling in that area. Thankful that you are able to use this as a testimony to God’s faithfulness! Prayers for you all friend!

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