Marriage Archives - BrinaLynn

How in the World Does Joy Come With the Morning?

August 24, 2017 by Brina Lynn 3 Comments

Joy. Happiness. Often we use the two interchangeably. Happiness is defined as good fortune, pleasure, contentment, joy. Simply, the state of being happy. It’s an emotion, a feeling.

Joy has a similar definition, so it’s no wonder we get them confused. However, I know joy is deeper than that. I’ve experienced it, and so did the psalmist. The psalmist didn’t say that in the morning, after crying all night that he’d be bubbly and laughing, or delighted in his current situation. No, I think it’s runs deeper.

John Piper defines joy this way:

Christian joy is a good feeling in the soul, produced by the Holy Spirit, as he causes us to see the beauty of Christ in the word and in the world.

Joy isn’t something we can produce–only the Holy Spirit can–and only He can cause us to see beauty in ashes, joy in mourning, delight in Christ. On the other side of the deep dark night, sorrow gives way to joy, such a joy that cannot be explained aside from a work of the Holy Spirit.

This morning, a song and a verse were on my mind. The song that came to my mind is In the Morning When I Rise give me Jesus. He’s all I needed, still is all I need.

Weeping lasts for the night, but how does joy come with the morning?

Nights can get long…ask any mom of a newborn, multiply that by two or three, and you’ve go the makings of an eternal night! When our twins were newborns, we dreaded dusk. It meant we had to endure the long night–again.

Sorrow can most definitely last for weeks…months…years. The ESV says that joy comes with the morning. Just as surely as the sun will rise, joy will come again. Many times we have to intentionally seek it. Sometimes we have to lay aside our sorrow and tell God how tired we are of the dark night, begging him to meet us there and carry us through. Gradually, the clouds are rolled away. It starts small, like the little break in the clouds, letting just a sliver of sunshine through. Eventually, though, the clouds completely give way, and the sun is warming us once again.

As I sit here this morning listening to the geese fly overhead and watching the rain clouds roll by, my heart is so overwhelmed with thankfulness. I am thankful for God’s grace and healing power in my life. He is gracious and merciful.

May God be glorified in our lives, in our story, in our love for Him and for each other. We can’t think on what God has done for us and not experience joy. May we all be reminded that God’s Word promises that joy comes with the morning!

Internet Pornography: What is the Big Deal? & A GIVEAWAY

August 10, 2017 by Brina Lynn 6 Comments

What’s the big deal about internet pornography?

Why do people feel the need to air their dirty laundry…share confessions and renew vows? Why this urgency to be transparent at all cost? What good can exposing yourself and opening yourself up for judgment and criticism possibly do?

Ya’ll, this porn problem…it’s an epidemic. Thanks to the internet it’s everywhere, all the time. There’s constant access to pornography, and we, being sinful, and sexual creatures, can fall prey. You may be saying,

Yeah, I get that, but we are Christians.

As stated by Covenant Eyes’ Pornography Statistics:

According to a survey conducted by the Barna Group in the U.S. in 2014:

*64% of self-identified Christian men and 15% of self-identified Christian women
view pornography at least once a month (compared to 65% of non-Christian men
and 30% of non-Christian women).

I don’t think that claiming Christian status–in fact, I know–doesn’t exempt any person from falling into temptation. According to the statistic above, there are almost as many Christian men viewing pornography as non-Christian men. And women, let’s not exclude ourselves. Whether we want to admit it or not, women also struggle with this secret sin. The fact is, you know someone right now struggling in the grip of porn addiction. They are in one of two camps: either they don’t know (or care) that it’s sinful and tearing them apart, or they are trapped in it and don’t know how to get out.

Well, tell them to just stop looking.

I wish it were that easy. Really, I do, but porn addiction, just like any drug addiction keeps users returning for more and more, even when they hate themselves for it. [If you want an in-depth look at what goes on in the brain when using porn, click the banner below. It’s a free e-book!]

That’s why we have to share our stories. There is hope for the hopeless stuck in porn addiction. God does heal; He can and does mend marriages wrecked by this addiction. But without confession, people continue on not knowing how they can ever break free from this.

What’s the first step?

The first step in protecting your family is an internet filter like Covenant Eyes. A few years ago, I won a giveaway from Growing Up Triplets that offered a free subscription to CE! Unfortunately, after the free subscription was up, we were in the mist of financial struggle and didn’t have the extra money to continue the subscription. Can I tell you how many times I’ve kicked myself since? I wish I had found an extra $15 a month to protect my marriage and my family. The thing is, at that point, my husband wasn’t struggling with porn addiction. You never know when the battle is going to rage.

So today, I’m offering it to you!

Here’s what we’d like to do for one of you, my dear readers. Chris and I would love to share CE with one of you for six months! Just promise, that if you enter, that you will use the subscription. We would love for all of you to sign up and never consider stopping the subscription because we know what internet pornography can do to a marriage and family. And it’s just not worth the gamble.

What you’ll get with your subscription

What you’ll get is filtering and accountability for your entire family on every device you own. You can set the parameters for your family according to the age of your kids and what you deem okay for viewing: restrict to certain sites, everyone, youth, teen, mature teen, mature. Filtering blocks sites above the allowed rating. Accountability allows you to see every website a family member accesses and have a weekly report sent to you or another adult. You can also view anyone’s report at any time on the website. [My reports are sent to Chris, and his are sent to his accountability partner. If he falls, I don’t need to find out through a report.]

Of course, there is only one winner of the 6 month subscription, but anyone who clicks through the picture below, can try CE free for 30 days! It’s win-win! You have nothing to lose by trying it out. I’m afraid–and proof–that without one, marriages can be torn apart, and families can be devastated by internet pornography.

Entering the giveaway

Entering is easy! Just follow the Rafflecopter prompts.

**And just so we are clear, your entering in no way says you or someone in your family has a problem with pornography. It just says that you want to keep your family safe! And that’s what we all want, right?

a Rafflecopter giveaway

The JOY of Healing and Promising Again

August 3, 2017 by Brina Lynn 12 Comments

Every year, I look forward to celebrating with the man I love on the anniversary of our marriage. This year was no different as far as that goes, but it was different. It was amazingly sweet and special, and one to be cherished. There was a sheer joy of promising again.

In case you missed my post on what we have been through the last year and a half. The short version is that my husband, a minister of the Gospel, confessed his addiction to pornography. I felt such a deep betrayal. I honestly didn’t know how we could overcome the brokenness. But God is the healer of broken hearts, mender of shattered lives. And he did an amazing work in our lives and our marriage. I can never tell you how thankful I am that he (God) brought us to the end of ourselves and drew us to him.

Deciding to renew our vows

I remember as a young wife wanting to have a vow renewal just so we could do something fun again. But as I grew older, I decided that once was enough–Thankyouverymuch!–and I would be happy with the original vows we shared. What I didn’t know then was the story that would unfold last January.

After we had worked through a great deal of the hurt, we began to talk about possibly renewing our vows. Chris wanted to. He felt that he had broken his vows, and I had a desire to start fresh. Our pastor was very excited to be witness to God’s work and to be a part, and he encouraged us each step of the way.

All we wanted were these things:

Our kids to be a part
Promise to each other again (obviously)
Somehow include our original wedding song, “Long As I Live” by John Michael Montgomery
Have Communion
Somehow integrate the song “No Longer Slaves” by Bethel Music

Our pastor encouraged us to do two things…. First, he wanted us to consider writing our own vows, and secondly, he encouraged us to include our closest friends and family. We really hadn’t considered that people would want to be bothered with it all, but he couldn’t have been more right! Not only were those closest to us not at all bothered or put out by the whole thing, they wanted to join us and serve. It really was amazing to see God’s people being his hands and feet, ministering to a couple of broken people, loving us anyway.

Our Vows

We decided to write, or at least find and tweak, vows that spoke our hearts.

His Vows

On our wedding day,
I pledged to love you in sickness and in health,
and for better or worse.
The past year has tested those vows,
but the unrelenting love and redeeming grace
of our Lord Jesus has prevailed.
I stand here today to make a fresh start,
to renew our vows of love, honor, and faithfulness,
and to reaffirm my commitment to you,
to love and to cherish you as long as I live.

My Vows

I love you.
You are my best friend.
Today I recommit myself to you and our marriage.
I promise to encourage and stand by you,
to laugh with you, and to comfort you in times of sorrow and struggle.
I promise to love you in good times and in bad,
when life is easy and when it’s hard,
I promise to cherish you, and to always hold you in highest regard.
These things I give to you today, and all the days of our life.

It was so special, so touching. So simple, yet so real. We delighted to be promising again our lives to each other!

Following our vows, we observed communion with our friends and family while Mr. J sang “No Longer Slaves.”

We couldn’t have asked for it to be more perfect. Ultimately, we wanted God to be the center, and I believe he was. Likewise, we wanted to praise the Lord for what he has done in our lives both in the way of salvation and also in healing the hurts of the last year or so, and I believe we did. Finally, we wanted our children to be a part and see what a loving Father will do for His children, and I believe they do.

And that’s mostly why I am sharing this. Yes, I want to always remember the sweet aroma of that day and all that led up to that day, but mostly, I want you to know without a doubt that God is…. He is able to fix your junk, and heal your heart. Above all, he is a loving Father, the center of everything.

**Local people (or those willing to travel a little), if you liked our renewal photos, check out Shutterly Perfect Photography. I can’t say enough about what a great job they did!

Hope in the Battle Against Porn Addiction

May 18, 2017 by Brina Lynn 6 Comments

An audacious confession

Audacious: extremely bold or daring. Bold or daring, I have never been. Nevertheless, I am going to open my heart and my life, right here, sharing an audacious confession about when he [my husband] confessed to porn addiction.

Truthfully, I’m scared to death to share. Really scared. For fear that you will judge him…me…us. Afraid that you, including my closest friends, will be angry on my behalf; therefore, afraid that our (mine and yours) relationships will never be the same.

It’s a touchy thing, this porn addiction, because it’s hidden, embarrassing, often preached against, yet seldom dealt with. But I really believe I’m here for such a time as this, for this very reason: to share the good, the bad, the ugly, and the despicable.

Our story

Our story started over 21 years ago. Chris asked me to our Jr. Prom, and I said yes. Our relationship grew from there, and I knew he was the one I wanted to marry. He was a good guy: kind, thoughtful, funny, gentle. And tall, dark and handsome, literally. We had been dating for almost three years when he asked me to marry him, and of course, I said yes again. Shortly after, we joined hands and hearts.

We bought a house and somehow managed to put each other through college. Years passed, and our family grew. Chris was called into ministry; I became a homeschooling mom. And our family grew some more! I would say we had a good relationship, a great marriage.

Even though we experienced bumps along the way (like all couples do), our relationship was great for a good many years. Then something happened; something changed. I had no idea what he was dealing with, but I knew that something was wrong with my husband. He was just not himself, angry all the time. We had heated discussions more often, and went to bed angry–something we promised we’d never do.

When your husband confesses to porn addiction

After a while, God wrecked us. We were both in a place of knowing we needed to know God more, yet continuing on in life just getting by. Then our pastor did a series of sermons on repentance, and it was life-shattering. Completely. Life. Shattering. And it led to the most audacious confession, and still, I tremble.

One evening, when the kids were gone, we began talking of that day’s sermon. Chris spoke of repentance and how he had been granted repentance for his past. He reminded me how he had struggled with porn addiction. I thought he had meant earlier in our marriage because I knew he had. He gently said, “Yes, then. But recently…in the past months.”

I sat. Completely numb. There had been no clues except that he had been more angry and irritable. I was stunned and broken. It had been going on for two years, and I didn’t even know! I felt stupid and ugly and weak and angry.

Living in the hurt

Weeks of depression followed that night. He apologized, and cried with me. And while I hated him in some moments and what he had done to us, I was so thankful that God had taken us to the place of repentance. I was beyond thankful for the pastor who was faithful to preach a hard Word so that his congregation could get rid of the yuck and really live for Jesus. I was incredibly thankful, too, for God’s grace keeping Chris from even deeper sin that if left long enough is where pornography leads.

But ya’ll. This valley we went through was so hard. I didn’t know how we could ever get past it. Truthfully, I didn’t know if I wanted to work through it. Leaving was constantly on my mind because I wanted to hurt him as bad as he had hurt me, and I wanted to be far away from the deep hurt I felt. Yet, I stayed. My kids needed me, and I couldn’t let them down. While I’m convinced that my big kids knew something was wrong, I grieved alone. In silence.

I was so utterly alone. Shame filled me. My husband was addicted to porn. My Christian, upstanding, faithful, honorable husband admitted an addiction to pornography. To say I was embarrassed would be the greatest of understatements. While I was hurting deeper than I had ever hurt before, I was equally as embarrassed for him…for me…for us, knowing that people stood ready to judge. And I had no one with whom I felt I could share.

Hope & help for addicts and spouses

Find Christian Resources

Thankfully, there are resources. Covenant Eyes, which is our internet filter provider (we got that very night he confessed), has wonderful resources for both those battling porn addiction and the spouse left reeling. Also Blazing Grace was a place both of us could go for help. They, too, have wonderful resources for men, women, and couples. There are forums there where you can share your story, spill your guts, be raw and wrecked, and nobody judges you. Others like you are there grieving and pouring out their souls, too, while still more are there to help and encourage and guide you through.

Reach out to someone you trust

After months of carrying all of that baggage by myself, I sought help and counsel. I am so glad I finally did. There was no judgement, only tears of compassion and an open heart and mind. I really wasn’t that alone after all. The truth is, I think that there are more wives out there like me who are suffering in silence because they don’t know where to go, and shame keeps them from reaching out.

Seek the Lord

And Jesus. He was my comfort. I cannot tell you how often I cried and prayed. My soul ached. I searched the Psalms, read them every day, hoping for a way up out of the deepness I felt. I understood what David meant when he said that his soul was downcast within him. Completely downcast. Defeated. Discouraged. Dejected. And dismayed.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Psalm 41:11

One particularly dark day, I just wanted to die. I felt like my life as I knew it was over and would never be right again. Chris sent me to For King and Country ~ Shoulders, and this song has been balm to my soul since that day. What spoke so deeply to me is this:

My help comes from You
You’re right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders
~ Shoulders, For King and Country

I sang those word over and over and over in my mind.

How, God?

Honestly, I didn’t know how I could ever love my husband again the way I had before because I didn’t even like him. I didn’t know if I could ever be intimate with him again because he repulsed me. I wondered how could I ever measure up with perfection. And, I didn’t know if I could ever trust him again.

That was my cry: How, God? How can you fix this? Can I ever love him again? How are you going to make this right? And so I read the Psalms, and I cried out for God to fix it.

There were many verses that spoke to me, soothing my aching heart. I am so thankful for God’s word, His promise to never leave us, His commitment to us.

¹⁸I cried out, “I am slipping!”
but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.
¹⁹When doubts filled my mind,
your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.
(Psalm 94:18-19 NLT)

In truth, I don’t know how He fixed it. Perhaps He taught me that I’m just as guilty of following worldly things, just in a different way. Maybe it was the heart change for both of us. Perhaps it was time, as we know time heals, moment by moment. Or could it be that truth was poured into my soul every day from God’s word, from our pastor, from music? What I do know is that there is hope!

Since his confession to porn addiction

The night Chris confessed, it had been two months or so since he last had viewed pornography. God had already begun the work, but Chris had not yet had the peace to share with me.

In the time after his confession, he gave me time. He was there, allowing me to lash out at him, and being willing to talk and hash out as I felt the need. I blamed him for ‘jacking up our marriage,’ and he didn’t argue. He was kind and gentle (even when I wanted to throat punch him).

Likewise, he told me where he was. He was honest about how temptation was still there. Porn addiction is like any other addiction, but God has seen him through, given him that escape we are promised.

No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. 1 Corinthians 10:13

We have Covenant Eyes on all of our devices and computers, including work devices. Each of us has an accountability partner who receive our reports each week, accounting any flags or blocks to inappropriate or questionable material.

We do again

Today, we find ourselves in a great place, a wonderfully blessed place. How is that even possible? All I know is that God’s grace is sufficient. He is all we need. I learned that the pedestal I had my husband on had to come down. He had become my idol, placing him before God. These lessons taught me grace, seeing where I, too, had fallen into sin. [Not that I was to blame for his use of pornography because, ladies, you are NEVER to blame for your husband’s porn addiction!]

Trust is still hard, and I ask very often how he’s doing. The enemy creeps in and causes me to fear, even when safeguards are still in place, and accountability is as it should be. It will take years to completely trust again, but we are working on it, and God is mending that, too.

This year, we will celebrate our 18th anniversary. There was a time when I wasn’t sure I could say that, but here we are, looking right at it. And we have chosen to say we do again. At the place where God took us to bring repentance–to heal us–we’ll join hands again and promise anew what we originally vowed to each other.

Claiming God’s Promise

I firmly believe Genesis 50:20, which is about how Joseph’s brothers had thrown him into a pit, only as a second thought to killing him. What they intended for harm, God used for good, for HIS glory by eventually making Joseph second in command to Pharaoh alone!

In our story, what Satan intended for harm of both Chris and me, God has redeemed, and “He intends to use it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” Our prayer continues to be that through our story, many lives will be touched; confessions will be made; relationships will be healed; and lives will be made whole!

Wife, Mama, you don’t have to be alone in dealing with porn addiction, and I won’t judge you or that man you love. I’m here to help. Will uphold you in prayer, cry with you, and remind you that God’s grace is sufficient and that in Him there is hope. Somehow, He heals the brokenhearted.